2024 was so not my year.

I mean in a lot of ways, it was. Things that were absolutely not right for me got shed like old snakeskin. I say snakeskin and not lizard skin because I saw a video of a gecko eating its own shed and I’m not gonna lie, it kind of grossed me out. Snakes, as far as I know, just leave their skin for unsuspecting homeowners to find.

In any case, I lost a bunch of stuff in the last, oh, thirteen months or so. Some of it was death. (RIP to the best asshole of a cat I’ll ever love) ((RIP also to the best asshole of an estranged grandma I’ll ever know. We could have had more time together if you weren’t, you know. Like that.))

Some of it was estrangement. I’ve been on the rocks with some family for a long time. Like… decades. I’m barely old enough to have decades-long beef with anyone! Long story short, there’s nothing like a family event (wedding) to highlight what an absolute load of insane shit your family’s on. In front of three hundred guests, no less. Truly a spectacle. You could make a reality TV show out of these people.

Some of it was a natural progression of things. In all honesty I’ve been spending the last few years trying to build lifetime friendships with sometimes (and right-now) people. It’s not my fault I value friendship so deeply, but it is my responsibility to make sure I’m not throwing that much effort and energy into people who don’t reciprocate. You know when you’re wanted and when you’re an afterthought. There’s no need to sacrifice yourself to stay in draining relationships.

It’s also really important to pay attention to your values. Friends of convenience aren’t always going to translate into lifelong rider-or-dies, but a radical mismatch in values is always going to be a huge red flag.

I also uprooted my whole life and moved across the country to live with my fiancee. That was… a lot.

All in all, I’m doing well. I’ve processed what felt like, honestly, an unfair amount of grief, but I think I’m on the other side of the Big Cry. I’m settling into a new life, a new location. Things sucked last year, but the change was necessary.

I’m not much of a New Years’ Resolution kind of person. It’s still midwinter here, and I now live someplace that gets snow (yay!). It doesn’t feel like time to start anything new.

And yet.

And yet I’m me, and the ground is watered, and the bulbs for spring have already been planted. I can feel them ticking away with the beat of the universe. Life. Renewal. Life. Renewal. It’s not quite time for new shoots to break ground, but it is time for me to make sure there’s room for them to grow.

Excited for the new year.

Much love,

BH ❤